“I would rather be whole than good.” - Carl Jung
Carl Jung’s quote pertains to a personal and collective problem: We are not good at being whole. We internalize from a young age that being anything other than “good” has no intrinsic value.
Feeling lazy is only a signal that we need to get motivated again.
Wanting to depend on another is only a sign that we need to become more independent.
Gaining weight is only a sign that we have to get back to the gym.
Being quiet at a party represents that we have to grow our social skills.
Why can’t laziness be an expression of our need to go slow sometimes?
Why can’t wanting to depend on another be a sign that maybe we are feeling securely attached?
Why can’t weight gain be because we are taking advantage of a culinarily delightful holiday season?
Why can’t quietness at a party be because we enjoy being in an observer role?
We proceed in life constantly assessing our deviation from ideal states, as if the goal of life is to make sure we never drop below imagined levels of “perfection.” Thus, we spend our time trying to manage ourselves instead of being selves. The problem is, we are not just objects to be corrected, we are people to be experienced and expressed.
I view the goal of therapy to help you get free. Not simply to help you recover passing levels of societal acceptability until the next time you experience another debilitating lapse into humanness. Even if I help you to climb out of the red (e.g. to have a productive week at work, to remit hair pulling), you will be governed by fear as long as lava is still perceived below (e.g. the threat of falling behind at work or hair pulling again). We can do more than string together moments of temporary and conditional safety. Real freedom comes with the feeling that you can exist anywhere on a spectrum at any given time. Then there is nowhere you have to run and nowhere you have to hide.
Too often people with BFRBs feel they can only be in the world when they are at or above par. Clients have reported they cannot attend a party if they are feeling lower energy, they cannot turn in their homework if it is half completed, they cannot share with their romantic partners if it will involve anger, they cannot go to work if their mind is feeling distractible, they cannot get married if their nails are short, and they cannot meet up with friends if their face features any visible blemishes.
Good is limiting. If you live according to an insistence on goodness, you have lost half the range of human experience. Did you see the movie Hitch? Do you remember this later scene?
Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.
Albert is able to embody our opening quote through his prizing of wholeness over goodness. He is reflecting in this scene on his romantic misery when Hitch makes a very common assumption about upward mobility as the agreed upon goal. Albert then checks Hitch with his appreciation of feeling fully, not just feeling “better.” I believe this ability to embrace, hold interest in, or even simply tolerate ourselves in ALL states is critical to general and specific (i.e. BFRB) freedom.
When we give ourselves permission to be anywhere on the human spectrum, there is nowhere we cannot be. This means we do not have to get stressed and start tearing at ourselves when we are in angry moments, lazy moments, antisocial moments, made-a-mistake moments, or not-knowing moments. We get to simply go on being the variable and finite humans we were meant to be without feeling chased from behind. Success in therapy to me means that you get to live harmoniously WITH yourself, not in constant pursuit of rising above it.
Life is flexible and people are resilient, so make your only task to focus on being your most authentic self.