Just like independence is often about counter-dependence, perfectionism is often about counter-imperfection. What I mean by this is that commonly we are not perfectionists out of some positive inspiration. We, especially as BFRBers, are often perfectionists because we fear or cannot stand imperfect outcomes. We tend to live our lives with this constant feeling of severity that makes us prone to pick, pull, and bite.
Clients of mine have often described that events that should be casual, such as choosing what to eat or what to wear in the mornings, can be BFRB-inducing. This is because the world is approached like there is a “right” and a “wrong” decision to everything, and thus a risk of “failure” in every move. Because our internal bullies are so high, this is also not some light feeling of, “Oh, silly me…” This is a charge of “Idiot, you should have known better!” that denigrates your entire sense of capacity.
Clients of mine commonly get stressed packing for a trip, driving a car, etc. I acknowledge there is some objective, reality basis for those stressors, but perhaps not to the same degree that our internal worlds react. If we’re headed to some other continent and don’t pack an item, there really is no going back home to swoop it up. But oftentimes we are traveling somewhere where some pretty easy solutions exist. They may not be ideal (e.g. you have to spend an extra few bucks to buy another toothbrush or pair of shorts), but it is not life or death (and if it is, you have my respect)! The issue is that the pressure we feel internally is usually not proportional to the criticalness of the actual situation. It’s not really about that $10 or $100 to replace the forgotten item; the same thing would happen over $1 if our internal bully thought the money spent was avoidable. Our internal bully will berate us out of pure contempt - out of its awareness that something unpleasant, and that it deemed unnecessary, happened. It's about principle - you were imperfect. It doesn’t matter how this situation lined up in your life personally. Nevermind that your needs were met in the end. Your only perception is that you had a task and you “failed” at it. Again, there are times with clearer “smart” or “dumb” decisions e.g. to fill up one's gas tank before heading into a long stretch of desert. However, if you are feeling stressed and picking your skin apart trying to decide which adjective to use in your text or email, the pressure may be internally produced and not objectively warranted! And if it is felt to be that serious, why? What makes you feel your relationships with people are so critically hinged on single words, expressions, or emoticons? What makes you mentally regard communication like a test of accuracy or prediction, instead of a means for self-expression? When did people start seeming so volatile or fragile? How did you lose touch with the idea that people can be casual and forgiving, and relationships flexible?
Multiple possibilities + Perceived consequences → Expectations for control (PERFECTIONISM)!
Decision making is a common trigger for people who pick, pull, and bite. While driving, there are a million microdecisions you have to make. Same with when you write - there is an endless archive of words you can use. And when you choose what to eat for dinner, there are a ton of restaurants that your friends insist you have to try, and a ton of diets that researchers insist you have to follow. The pressure to make the “right” choice is intensified by the feeling that your choice is consequential. We are too afraid to imagine that we could get second, third, even 500th chances in our lives to make things up even if we got them wrong the first time. We are disappointed with ourselves if ever we are late. If ever we are wrong. If ever we trigger conflict. If ever we didn’t anticipate someone else’s needs. If ever we are lazy. If ever we want for ourselves. We agonize over any holes in our mind or slips in our environment no matter the size, location, or patch-ability.
In summary, it is our fears about imperfection that drive us to avoid every negative. So we aim to control all bads like they are always really bad, like we-have-to-avoid-it-at-all-costs bad, and hold ourselves to perfection as a defense. But think about how stressed (and vulnerable!) we are if our stability and sanity depend on things going perfectly all the time! We end up filled with immense and constant anxiety about avoiding the “wrong” option and picking the “right” one. When we operate off of fantasies of omnipotence, we drown in “shoulds” - we “should” have been able to find a way to not spend that money, not eat that slice of cake, not waste that food, not miss that test question, not forget that grocery list item, not miss that bus, not miss that friend’s birthday dinner, not get tired, not get lazy, not be forgetful, not have bitten that nail or pulled those hairs. But we aren’t machine. We are human. And the sooner we can accept that the sooner we can live with some real peace and freedom.
Spend more time trying to listen to, and lean into yourself. Believe in your resilience. Have faith in the flexibility of the world. Check your actual circumstances. Forgive your fear. And remember your humanness and connectedness, not just your skill and productivity. Last but not least, make sure your standards for rightness and accuracy are measured against YOURSELF - congruence with YOUR NEEDS - rather than arbitrary, societal standards.